what the fuck kire?!

what was that?

well whtever it was, i think it was probably a bad idea

i mean it didnt feel like a bad idea

but it probably was.

the worst part is
i kinda want to do it again....

but no no no

it s a bad idea

really bad idea.

uugghh, whats wrng with me?
why cant i control myself?

whatever, i guess its secret timem is all
ive never really kept a secret for myself before
lets see how it goes.

i guess its not realy that big a deal anyway
i just feel so conflicted about it.
is all


I'm thinking about it
freaking out alot
prolly over thinking everything

when i was thinking on sat
i was trying to make myself feel better

i told myself
it dosnt matter, you are more than her
look at what an amazing woman you have become
look at all these fantastic things i have done and experienced
without her

the only thing is

i didnt want to do them without her

all i ever wanted was for her to be my best friend
for us to do everything together
becase we were sisters
and sisters are forever
and no one loved her more than me

everything i did i did for her
then she lied, she stoped caring, and she left
i kept doing all the things i wanted to do for her. to impress her to see her smile i couldnt do them for her anymore
so i had to do everything, in spite of her
but heres the kicker
everything was still about her

so many differnt feelings, i dont know what to do with myself.
what the hell am i suposed to do?
what am i going tobe able to do?
im scared.

ive never been more scared in my life.

its been such a long time, but its not like its any ezer, its almost harder.

i need help
but i dont know if anything can.

the one thing i used to know
i may not have been smart, i may not have been pretty, but i loved my sister and she loved me

she was my sissy and i was a great big sister

but i guess i wasnt
i guess i failed
i guess i wasnt enough

i need a hug. a long one

enough with this


(no subject)

freedom of religion
freedom form religion

what the fuck
this is bullshit

how can we be farther behind that fucking iowa people?!?!?

everyone go riot in weho t

(no subject)

that my life is at the mercey of other people.

i cant get a grip
i cant get control

and when i can enjoy myself
something happens
and switch flips
and im back to feeling sorry for myself and
upset with my position.

its hard to keep enjoying the little things
when the big things are so fucked up
that the fuck up the other little things you wanted,.


I no longer give a shit
if my life has to suck for the next few months its ok
its ok its ok its ok
soon itll be better
soon soon soon soon
i feel like i have been sayign that my whole life
but i think the more i say it the more i will belive it..
but fuck man.

this summer is going to suck alot.
like , alot alot.
but i guess i dont care or whatever.
i guess ill get thu it. i guess.
god i just wanna go back to sleep.
but that wont help anyone i guess


out of smokes

I'm trying to study
and im out of smokes
and at the end of my rope

I want to achive certin things, i jsut feel like these tiny things are holding me back form achiving to the level i want.

i need a job. I need my own income that i can budget anc count on.

its jsut verry hard to find a part time job right now.
specially since i cant even afford to the gas to go to a freaking interview!!!!

what the fuck.

I need a job. or i need a parent who i can actually count on to actually support me, i know that my dad WANTS to be the one supporting me but all it is doing is BARLEY paying my bills and then making me stuck at home, unable to do nearly anything.

the tiny things i am able to get done feel liek big accomplishments becuase they are so hard to achive, but i know in the sceeme of things these are all smallthings, errands really.

plus this summer is goign to ba hard no matter what, and i dont want to deal with everything and still not have a job.

uggg. fuck this its not helping.
ill try later, im just too empty right now.


I passed that mah test now i jsut have a bio anthro test on monday i have to get an A on
anoter math test i have to get an A on on wed

then in the next 2 weeks are all 3 of my finals.

so i basiclly want to die.

i hate school and i hate my stupid self.

bust mostly i hate math.


i decided that...

If i do not pass my math test on wed

with an A

i will simply kill myself

same goes for the next math test and the final.

since it is impossible to find out exactly who is, making me take these classes and kill them

I will just have to kill myself,
since my life will be over anyway if i don't pass this, and the rest of the tests.

might as well make it less painful.

life sucks
then you die
get over it.