what is it with guys?

why can they try to get me mentally attracted to them
why dont they get that you have to turn on my mind before you can turn on my sex drive.

i just fell so frustrated.
im thinking, wow finally some guys that like me.

but damn.

maybe i hang out with gay guys too much.
but i honestlly dont think its too much to ask that i find a guy who intelectually and artisticlly exites me the same whay my friends do.

plus i think i've crushes on straight me who were more what i was looking for than these guys.
not that they are stupid or anything...just ...

why cant the ones i want be the ones that liek me back.
i dont even want to give this new guy a try.
i suppose i should, but

god can't you just keep your hands to your damn self?

what a waste of time.


movie was good though.
we saw up in the air.
check it out

I GOT A JOB!!! HELL YEAH!!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!! its been almost a year! i can't wait to be a working member of socioty again!

I passed that mah test now i jsut have a bio anthro test on monday i have to get an A on
anoter math test i have to get an A on on wed

then in the next 2 weeks are all 3 of my finals.

so i basiclly want to die.

i hate school and i hate my stupid self.

bust mostly i hate math.

peace.
kire

wow what a year
2008 has been a whirlwind of a year for me and for the world in general
many ups and downs
the first six months of this year and the last six couldn't have been a bigger filp flop
I have totally grown as a person as a friend and as an actress as well.

I passed all my classes for the first time since jr. high
I couldn't be more happy about that and i think this is the beginning of me becoming a different kind of student, mostly a successful one. even though alot of times school seems like a big fat waste of time, it still feels good to complete a semester. I'm starting to actually enjoy school more and not see it as a big boring responcibility, but as something i can achomplish and be proud of.

work is non existant. and while i loved workign at chilis I also love being unemployed. of corse it is a doubble edged sword, not having all the money i need to do all the things i want, but its ok because it reminds me why im unemployed in the first place. I don't think ihave been as sucsessful this yeart in accomplishing the things for my carrer i wanted to. but i will just make one of my resolutions this year to get in gear and work harder and focus more with that stuff.

I also really enjoyed seeing the change this country is about to undergo. I became really politically aware this election like many people, and honestly i am exited. While the state of the economy is firghting at this moment, i think it only gives us a better situation to try to change more things. its almost liek having clean slate. the country is either goign to clean itself up or just collapse, either way it kinda exiting. and i am proud to be apart of this change.

My mom and i have gotten much closer and i think she is finnally on the verge of finally being happy. she only has one more semester of school left and i cant wait to see her sucseed liek iknow she is going to. I am so exited for her. not to mention her silly budding romance(s) hehehe. My dad and i have also gotten much better. I can more easaly talk to him about anything and that is great. my sister and i continue to drift and it continues to hurt. while i thought it would be easyer by now it honestly isnt. but i realised there is nothing i can really do about it, so i just something in going to have to deal with forever, there is no solution there is no way to make it better, and while that is sad it isnt my fault. so i shouldn't take it out on myself.

this year had also been and emotional ride of some kind. (hehe that was for you megan) but honestly I have not explored and dealt with my emotions the way i have this year. I have discovered my sensitivity to others emotional state, and toe good and bad things related to that. I have been dealing with increing anxity and emotional overflow, in many ways i have gotten better at dealing with my depression in a healthy way. but i know i still have problems that cannot go away with ignoracne. I have also learned that there is some stuff you cant do all by yourself. and that you need friends to help you sometimes.

this year friendships have gone all over the map. I have fallen away from some and gotten massivly closer to others. I couldn't be more thankful for the people in my life at the moment. each and every person has affected me and helped me grow beyond my wildest dreams.

wow
I do have more to say however i realised i need to go clean my room so look for a part 2 comming soon, hopefully filled with specific thankyous and whatthefucks for the entire year. and my thoughts on what is to come but for now i leave you with this

my resolutions
become a kcrw angel
loose a bazillion pounds
get my headshots out
pass all my classes agian
be in at least 2 theatrical produtions of some kind

this is where i refect on specifc people in my life

daniel- you are my rock. you have always been there for me, whether its to give me a hug or a swift kick in the pants. i know i drive you crazy sometimes, but the fact you put up with me and love me anyway makes me love you all the more. you always tell me whati need to hear wehter or not i want to. and you are always there to fill my heart with happyness in the end. you are my soulmate and i can never imagine my life without you.

megan- you and i have grown so close this year and i could not be happier about that. you have helped me grow so far and keep me rooted to whats important at the same time. I can do anything with yo talk to you about anything and its beautiful. we have such a similar world veiw and when we are differnt, it just makes it interesting. I belive with all my heart I will always have a director and you will always have an actress.

steven- we have grown so much closer this year and i couldn't be more thankful for the chance to be your friend. our friendship had definatlly evolved dramaticlly and i am exited to see where it goes. its hard to hang out with you and not have a smile on my face. you silly candy ass boy!!

Amanda- you have been there for me thu so much for so many of my best times this year. and while i feel there had been some distance put between us recentlly it dosn't change the face that you are one of the most electricfic people i have ever meet. i hope your light never dims.

Micheal- you are my favorite person to be a lush with. hahaha I am so glad about how wonderful of a friendship we have developed. I feel like I can do anything with you. you and i coudl conqor the world together ot just dance around the world forever. and soon we will be angels together and it will be fantastic.

Brian -i feel like out friendship has also grown closer this year. You have a way of always making me feel at home around you. your laugh and smile are the most contagios thing in the world!! i know its lame sounding but you totally do make a room brighter by being in it. you are the best kareoke partner ever and I cant wait to go to vegas with you i know we are gonna rip that town apart!!!

Natalie- you fierce fucking bitch. i am so glad that we started hanging ot more. I cant belive how much my life was lacking in the feirce department till you came around, and while your are feirce, yo are also verry level headed and mature. i really admire the way you know what you want and never comprimise. I can only make it my life goal to be half as feirce as you.

michelle- your bravery and the way you and greg are grabbing life and totally making a real life for yourselves is beautiful. i totally admire that!! and while you live farther away and thats sad i still feel so close to you!! I know you will go far in life and do whatever you put your mind to it. Iknow your beautiful soul is boud to touch many many lives, the way it has mine.

brie- our friendship has beenthu so much and i feel like it is at its strongest. im so glad you are in the house with me. you make the entire house more positive and fun to be at. i know its a little crazy sometimes but you add a your special brand of crazy that makes everything a little more fun.